a nostalgic love note to myself and joe, in bygone days.

remember those days?
(so many millions of miles away now… )

of slow dancing to patsy cline
in small-town dive bars and
grieving to great ghosts..  

of singing
juana molina refrains 
across the moonlit lake
at midnight,
rain pouring down,
baptizing us
in the sacredness
of our 
shared soul-cloth..

of drinking cheap liquor and 
practicing ways of
caressing the 
melancholy because.. 

that was all we knew.

how beautiful it was,
my love,
painting melancholy
with you.

i have wondered sometimes

i have wondered sometimes
if this heat
with you

this meltingyearningaching

this rush of
emotion and sensation that
overpowers me

that hovers over me

that forges
my awareness
in a slowwwsinking

so shockingly perfect
i am in awe
of you

and us..

i have wondered
if this colliding of
that we have been

oh god we have been

could withstand
the fire and brimstone
of our own imperfections

of life.


is this an ancient line of poetry,
delicate beauty
unwinding in a complex rhythm,
intertwining our souls?

or the residue of 
old dysfunction,
rationalized by invisible needs
buried deep in the recesses of
our psyches?

and after all, 
perhaps they’re just
the same thing.

pushing and pulling at us.
at each other.
we spin against one another,

the same.


pleasure begins at home: the wonders of masturbation

post-orgasmic nude, by betty dodson
post-orgasmic nude, by betty dodson

masturbation (that nasty, shockingly perverse word… not to mention the act of!!!) is one of my favorite activities. it defined the beginnings of my sexual consciousness, taught me what gave me pleasure before anyone else had a chance to mis-teach me, shame me, or pass over me, and has continued through my life to give me comfort, pleasure, and moments of deep realization. i wish i could teach every child (and especially little girl!!) about self-pleasure. i think this knowledge should be a basic human right. i believe it is that deep and integral to who we are and how we relate to ourselves and to others in the world.

wendy strgar spells out this connection on a theoretical level beautifully in this article on the art of masturbation.

Perhaps the best reasons to let go of all the judgment and history surrounding this normal  sexual behavior is because having access to your own pleasure and orgasm teaches a profound inner lesson, which is that the ability to orgasm is your own. No one else gives it to you or has power over you having it.      

                                             -“the art of masturbation: theory to the practice.

in other exciting news, a study has now shown that masturbation may (keyword: may) “help” your immune system. the cover image for the article being a box of kleenex, with a number of used kleenex wadded up around it (unclear if used kleenex are cum-filled or snot-filled…), it may or may not be implying this applies more to men than women. hard to say. maybe other women have different self-pleasuring practices than i. surely they do. perhaps some that involve wadded-up tissues. at any rate, i do imagine the relaxation one derives from masturbating/cumming would lower stress significantly, and stress is a well-known strain on our immune systems.

it’s cold season; by this logic we’d best all get a-pleasuring!!!

masturbating christians

i came across this article today on elephant journal, and was intrigued by a story so similar to my own… the conflict between my body’s knowingness and what my socialized brain is telling me i “should” be doing/thinking/feeling… i went through a very similar journey when i was a teenager, just beginning to explore my own pleasure in a real way. the internet was just beginning to be a worthwhile source of information, and i would sneak online after everyone else was asleep to search for what in retrospect i would call: healthily sex-positive, educational materials on masturbation. (not much available at the time, but i learned the potential of shower heads.) i also searched and searched for any quality Catholic sources, that had a more liberal, open-minded approach to masturbation. i knew with such certainty in my body that what i was doing couldn’t possibly be morally “wrong”, but i so wanted to be a “good girl” and have the approval of God, my parents, etc.

to this day, it infuriates me that a male-run institution had the gall to set up laws that would inhibit my own relationship with my sexuality, in ways that would affect me deeply, for years to come. as this author states, she (and i) had to go through sexual assault (multiple times), trusting others more than ourselves, etc… before finally bringing awareness and healing to this rift in ourselves. is the power of female sexuality really that terrifying? and if so, what kind of gender divide in our culture is responsible for creating such a difference in our experiences of healthy sexuality?

not knowing

sometimes i begin writing a post for this blog, and am overwhelmed by the knowledge of how tiny my “knowledge” is… how inadequate. i really only know about a few things that resonate or work for me. and i know a lot of things that don’t work for me. and i keep moving forward in life trying and failing to establish more balance, clearer knowledge of myself and my responses, and sharing what i can when it feels right.

this seems a weak basis from which to speak the truth from my western paradigm of backing up arguments with facts and numbers. my little brother would rip this apart with sound logic and facts. a new love of mine would tell me to just hold space for this. i am slowly learning what it means to hold space in real ways. how to hold space for my not-knowingness. how to hold space for multiple truths that may be in conflict with each other. how to hold space for not understanding. how to read communication for the need(s) that it is trying to convey.

to really live being present seems to me to involve dropping all artifice of “knowing” and fundamentally accepting experience in this moment for whatever it is. this is impossibly difficult for most of us… and perhaps often we discover that the stillness is ultimately a trigger for us, setting off feelings and emotions we would prefer not to feel.


i have taken an unexpected hiatus the past couple months… i said goodbye to a dear lover two weeks ago, and my thoughts and energy have been heavily with him the past months, as i have processed and worked to let go. i have never had to say goodbye to someone like this before. it’s fascinating to observe myself and the (emotional/psychological) phases through which i have gone… it’s difficult, relieving, troubling, un-grounding, grounding, surreal in varying moments. what a wild and interesting journey life is. what an immensely beautiful privilege to love someone and be loved, however transient the experience is.

in the meantime i have been thinking of many things i wanted to address here, and am looking forward to jumping back in. i have ideas about online dating (many thoughts on this…), masturbation practices, sex toys, making home sex videos, and the energetics of sexual encounters, to name a few…

so, dear readers and followers, please forgive my absence, and i am so happy to be blogging again! please stay tuned for lots of titillating excitement this summer and, as always, please send me a note if you’d like me to address something in particular or if you’d just like to say hi!


bone-melting love

i was perusing elephant journal this morning and came across this rebecca lammersen article on making unknowable love. i felt the excitement of finding connection– finding someone who has described something of my experience. it’s a beautiful article and description of deeply connected, magical love-making… the kind of experiences i’ve finally found after years of searching.

a perfect sunday morning read. xo