perhaps some days..
the constant vigilance
perhaps some days..
the constant vigilance
is this an ancient line of poetry,
unwinding in a complex rhythm,
intertwining our souls?
or the residue of
rationalized by invisible needs
buried deep in the recesses of
and after all,
perhaps they’re just
the same thing.
pushing and pulling at us.
at each other.
we spin against one another,
masturbation (that nasty, shockingly perverse word… not to mention the act of!!!) is one of my favorite activities. it defined the beginnings of my sexual consciousness, taught me what gave me pleasure before anyone else had a chance to mis-teach me, shame me, or pass over me, and has continued through my life to give me comfort, pleasure, and moments of deep realization. i wish i could teach every child (and especially little girl!!) about self-pleasure. i think this knowledge should be a basic human right. i believe it is that deep and integral to who we are and how we relate to ourselves and to others in the world.
wendy strgar spells out this connection on a theoretical level beautifully in this article on the art of masturbation.
Perhaps the best reasons to let go of all the judgment and history surrounding this normal sexual behavior is because having access to your own pleasure and orgasm teaches a profound inner lesson, which is that the ability to orgasm is your own. No one else gives it to you or has power over you having it.
in other exciting news, a study has now shown that masturbation may (keyword: may) “help” your immune system. the cover image for the article being a box of kleenex, with a number of used kleenex wadded up around it (unclear if used kleenex are cum-filled or snot-filled…), it may or may not be implying this applies more to men than women. hard to say. maybe other women have different self-pleasuring practices than i. surely they do. perhaps some that involve wadded-up tissues. at any rate, i do imagine the relaxation one derives from masturbating/cumming would lower stress significantly, and stress is a well-known strain on our immune systems.
it’s cold season; by this logic we’d best all get a-pleasuring!!!
i came across this article today on elephant journal, and was intrigued by a story so similar to my own… the conflict between my body’s knowingness and what my socialized brain is telling me i “should” be doing/thinking/feeling… i went through a very similar journey when i was a teenager, just beginning to explore my own pleasure in a real way. the internet was just beginning to be a worthwhile source of information, and i would sneak online after everyone else was asleep to search for what in retrospect i would call: healthily sex-positive, educational materials on masturbation. (not much available at the time, but i learned the potential of shower heads.) i also searched and searched for any quality Catholic sources, that had a more liberal, open-minded approach to masturbation. i knew with such certainty in my body that what i was doing couldn’t possibly be morally “wrong”, but i so wanted to be a “good girl” and have the approval of God, my parents, etc.
to this day, it infuriates me that a male-run institution had the gall to set up laws that would inhibit my own relationship with my sexuality, in ways that would affect me deeply, for years to come. as this author states, she (and i) had to go through sexual assault (multiple times), trusting others more than ourselves, etc… before finally bringing awareness and healing to this rift in ourselves. is the power of female sexuality really that terrifying? and if so, what kind of gender divide in our culture is responsible for creating such a difference in our experiences of healthy sexuality?
i was moved by the authenticity and care of katz’ energy, presentation, and way of discussing these issues. he even acknowledges right away in the beginning of the talk, the misplaced acknowledgement and affirmation men will get over women when standing up and addressing these issues. i tip my hat to his sensitivity, strength, and passion in addressing what he suggests is a “male issue” rather than a “female issue” of violence against women (and girls and boys).
if you are a human on this earth who has any women, girls, or boys in your life for whom you care deeply, please watch this, and sit with the messiness of the truth he is speaking.
a dear friend of mine bought wayne koestenbaum’s book “humiliation” while we were together in winnipeg, this winter. we decided a fur background felt most fitting for some reason for an impromptu photo shoot…
it is a pretty fascinating and on point read, from the excerpts i have read. then i found out about a youtube series of “dear wayne” dillemnas… if nothing else, wayne poses some interesting situational decisions…
i’ve been curious for some time about the potentially healing benefits of bdsm (“BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, role-playing, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics.” –wikipedia) i continue to be fascinated by the potential to enact our darkest ingrained dysfunctions in a healthy, loving space… how empowering it can be to recreate a powerless space by choice, choosing to re-enter the trauma space; except this time with full power. as so interestingly shown by guy maddin in my winnipeg, when he hires his childhood home and actors to literally re-enact scenes from his childhood.
People in the BDSM scene reported higher levels of happiness in the past two weeks than people outside it, and they said they felt more secure in their relationships.
ironically, bdsm is still listed in most countries as a mental disorder.
my suspicion is that all of us have some kind of deep, dark fantasies. but it takes work and intention and self-awareness to find them. i consider discovering my fantasies and kinks as mile markers on my journey of self-discovery.
cheers to self-discovery… whatever path that might take.
fuck me until i break
until your mouth
inhales my screams
and this emptiness inside of me
folds in on itself
fuck me like you don’t care
like i have the strength
of a thousand goddesses
like i am
put me where you
and take me.
for all the times i said no
for all the moments my voice was silenced
for each lewd look and whistle
for all the power that was taken from me
and for the darkness inside of me…
this time i speak
and you hear me.
i say yes.
vulnerability is frightening. the feelings of allowing and letting go that are necessary preludes to giving in to vulnerability feel counter-cultural. letting go means anything might happen. it involves trusting ourselves and holding space for anything that arises. we are afraid of our own shadows, what so-called dark desires and impulses might lie beneath our shiny veneers.
each time i post on this blog i feel afraid. even posting anonymously, i feel fears of rejection, old self-shaming responses, massive questioning of putting my raw words out on the internet for anyone and the nsa to read, fear of being a “bad” writer, of being laughed at… of being as insignificant and silly as my inner critic has always told me i am.
fuck it. i dare greatly now. i work each day to be gently courageous in all i do. to take myself seriously enough to put my words out, and with enough humor and self-love to accept my imperfections as part of the beauty of who i am, to love and take pride in all my creative output, silly and insignificant though it may sometimes be.
dare greatly today. how can we better celebrate and show our gratitude for this amazing adventure of life?
a compelling vision forward…